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Walk with the Broken

I wrote this reflection at the end of my teaching day on November 6, 2015:

I woke up this morning feeling very down. It happens every time I wake up to the sound of the rain as it awakens within me a sadness that I try to push aside. It’s been a long week. Positive and productive, but long. And as much as I love what I do because it feeds my soul, I was very aware of how mentally and emotionally exhausted I was as I made my way to school. As I got closer and closer, seeing school buses and students making their way to their classes, I started wondering how many of them might be feeling the same way without talking about it. And how would it be known if they don’t speak about it? So, as usual, I reminded myself that the most that I could do is to be positive, to smile, and to point out the good things to students. So, as I walked into the school, I made a conscious effort to throw behind my back everything that was on my mind.

I wondered: How many students might be doing the same thing as they walked in, or would they do that? What if they walk in with their worries and stresses on their shoulders?

I went in knowing that today would be one different day.

Period one started, and as the class progressed, the rain got harder, and so the urge to dip into sadness became stronger.

Let me make something clear; I love it when it rains, but I cannot control the overwhelming feeling of sadness that overtakes me. It’s out of my control. I started reflecting: As an adult, I know enough that I need to treat my feelings as feelings that come and go, and that though I may not have control over when or how they come, I have control over the actions I take based on the way I feel. But, do our kids know how to do that? And, if I was hiding this much sadness inside, how would I know what they are hiding?

I reminded myself that the best I could do is be as positive as I can be with my kids and everyone around the school: “how are you doing today?”, “how did that assignment you were working on last week go?”, “good job performing last week. You did a great job!”, “I love the color you chose to wear today”, “remember to smile” etc. As I supervised in the library, two students walked in speaking Greek, and I stopped them to point out how much I loved the fact that they chose to communicate in their first language. A few minutes later, a student came up to me asking me a question in Arabic, as if he’d known me for years. For a moment I felt like I was back home, in my beloved Lebanon.

As I made my way to the atrium, I watched a student reciting spoken word poetry about how invisible he felt throughout high school and how he made the decision to speak up, today. My heart flooded with happiness and sadness all at once. I felt the same way in grade 12. The same way.

I made my way to my next class, and a few seconds before my class started, I saw a student rushing towards me across the hall (a very quiet ESL student whom I taught last year). She came up to me with the biggest smile on her face and said: “Miss Zebian, I just want to tell you that you look beautiful today!” and she rushed back to her class.

My next class started, and a student walked in saying: “I actually like having you in my classes. You’re a good teacher.” As I explained what we were doing for the day, a student showed me that he still had the sticky note with his name in Arabic on it which I had written for him weeks ago. It must’ve meant something to him.

It’s the end of the day, and I am still exhausted, but I have this indescribable sense of fulfillment deep inside. Everything that happened today just made me think: at times I feel that being unconditionally positive with everyone around me doesn’t make a difference, but it does. And it makes them start to see the positives around them too. At times I feel that feeling everything so deeply is only emotionally draining. But honestly, I cannot imagine seeing the world the way I do without feeling as much as I do.

So, I tell you this. If you are soft, don’t let the world harden you. Feel your feelings and let them entertain your mind a little. Allow them to make you see the world, not just look at it.

– Najwa

Walk with the broken

Published inMy Classroom Reflections
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